I'm so fucking centered right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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