The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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