i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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