my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
