Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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