Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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