how can u be prego again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
