watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
