Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
