my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
and she was petting her beer can
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You don't make any sense
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