I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
