do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Please don't give away my fajitas
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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