Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
