And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
