You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
