I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
