Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
