and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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