Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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