dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
