There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm bleeding and have questions
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
