Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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