What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
pray to the hookup gods
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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