Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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