Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
