Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
