who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
