i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
