im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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