just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
