My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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