Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
