For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
