He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
