I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
