I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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