I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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