dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
