I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
