So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i drank out of a bidet.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize