He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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