sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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