my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
