I must be too annoying 4 u.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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