no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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