The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
