I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i drank out of a bidet.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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