I feel great
I just peed on a car
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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