I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
