In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
