he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
