When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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