i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
