I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
