it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
