I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize