we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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