he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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